I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
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she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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