wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
