So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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