I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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