I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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