My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
