I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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