Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
