i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
