ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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