i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
