don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I am one with the molecules
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
