i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
