We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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