i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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