Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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