Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
