Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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