Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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