I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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