I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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