it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
