If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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