I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
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This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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