Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
