We should be called the Road Head Warriors
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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