So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
