I think my fart just growled at me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
