Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
