I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
