We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
