Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
