the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm bleeding and have questions
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
