Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Drunk is not a location!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
