New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
