so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
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Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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