it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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