Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
