I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
