At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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