Don't make out with my wife yet
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
