I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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