Quick, to the slutcave!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
