so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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