Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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