i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She bit a glass in half.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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