I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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