I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
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Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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