i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
