idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
