I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Everyone says I win the strip club
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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