I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
