yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
