Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
