My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
